And now the answers to the Cancer Quiz.  Drumroll, please...

Question #1:

True or False?  Cancer makes a person smarter, improves eyesight, enhances sexual performance,
sharpens the wit and makes one 2-3 inches taller.
False, cancer does not make you taller...with the
one exception being a massive tumor in your foot which, technically, would make you slightly
taller (and slightly crooked.)  The rest of these are clearly true statements.

Question #2:

According to Paris Hilton, the type of cancer that is 'totally hot right now' is:

A. Colon
B. Pancreatic - Shocking...perhaps she misunderstood the question and thought someone
was asking about 'pancakes,' in which case, that would be totally hot right now.
C. Lung
D. Breast

Question #3:

If you survive a nuclear explosion, but are well within the radiation exposure area, and you have a lead
shield to cover one part of your body from excessive radiation, which part of your body do you cover?

A. Head -
No, it's probably best if your cognitive abilities are gone when the radiation poisoning starts.
B. Heart - No! Why, so your ticker can keep on pumping blood to the rest to your periphery as it slowly
begins to decay and fall apart?
C. Reproductive Organs - Always protect your junk.  You may be tasked with helping
repopulate the earth after Armageddon.
D. Feet and Hands - No, that's just silly...unless you're a professional pianist or soccer player.  Even then,
a nuclear bomb just went off, so we're guessing that there probably won't be any concerts or soccer
matches anytime soon.

***partial credit will be given for anyone who suggested curling up into a little ball and trying
to fit your entire body behind the shield...clever, but not practical***

Question #4:

Which of the following have the potential to cause cancer?

A. Cell phones - Yep. We heard about it on the news, so you know it's true.
B. Email - Not forwarding chain letters (to at least 7 people) has been proven to curse the guilty party
with cancer within 24 hours (also, you'll never meet the person of your dreams or be kissed by that
special someone you've had a secret crush on for years.)
C. Masturbation - Yep, first blindness and now cancer...what's next? Masturbation-induced AIDS?
D. UGG Boots - Yes, "Fashion Cancer" at its worst.
. All of the above

Question #5:

The absolute worst place to get a tumor is...

A. Kidney - While certainly preferable to have both kidneys, one can be safely removed if needed.
B. Brain - Unfortunately for humans, we've only got one brain and thus, it cannot be safely
removed without severe consequences to one's intelligence (just look at Tom Cruise.)
C. Testicle - One or both can be removed if you can get a cool new nickname like "One
Ball Paul" or "Nathan No-Nuts."  Be careful, though, you could be mistaken for a Frenchman.
D. In the mail - While not entirely pleasant, definitely not as bad as the others.
E. Breast - See argument for testicles nicknames include "UniBoobie" and "Knockerless."

Well, how did you do?

5 correct:
Congratulations! You're either:
    A) incredibly gifted
    B) lucky as hell
    C) clinically insane (our money's on this one)

3-4 correct: Not bad for a completely made-up quiz based on absolutely zero factual evidence.

1-2 correct: Brush up on your cancer knowledge and try the test again, Einstein.

0 correct: Either very pathetic or very impressive, considering the twisted nature of this test.
Test Your Cancer Knowledge With Our Cancer Quiz
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We, at, are not doctors. We are not medically trained or certified in any way
(if medical knowledge was measured in parenting skills, we'd be Britney Spears) and thus, all of the
claims and/or suggestions detailed on this site should not be taken as medical advice.  Always consult
your physician before beginning and/or modifying any alternative course of treatment.

We are, however, firm believers in the healing power of laughter. **Laughter has not been FDA
approved for the treatment of cancer or any other medical condition (except maybe depression, and
if it's not, it sure as hell should be)**