Funny Cancer Jokes (General):

-What do you call a person who has a compulsion to get lymphoma over and over again?

A lymphomaniac !


A doctor calls a patient to report on a bone scan and biopsy. The patient is out so the doctor leaves a
message to call. As usual, no medical details are left.
After a day of telephone tag, the doctor and the patient finally get together on the phone. Says the
doctor in a matter of fact voice, "I have good news and bad news. Which will you have first?"
"The good news." "OK. The reports say that your cancer has metastasized all over and that you have 48
hours to live."
"You call that good news? It must be the bad news. What could possibly be worse?"
"Well, the bad news is that I tried to call you yesterday."


A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak
with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks "can he be cured?".
The doctor replies "there's a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care
of him every day for the next year - cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan,
driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on".
When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said.
The wife answers "he said that you're going to die".

[More cancer jokes continued below...]
A woman with terminal cancer returns to religion with fervor. She knows that God will help her get better.
Early in her sickness, a surgeon proposes radical surgery.
"No", she says, "I don't want to get mutilated and suffer pain. It's not necessary, God will help me".
A while later, she sees a radiologist and he proposes radiation to treat the tumor, which by now is
uncomfortably large. "No", she says, "I don't want radiation burns inside and out. It's not necessary.
God will help me."
A year later, the cancer has metastasized. It's painful and she is referred to an oncologist. Chemotherapy
is advised.
"No", she says, "I don't want to be sick all the time and lose my hair as well. It's not necessary. God will
help me".
Soon after, she dies. She goes to Heaven and demands an audience with God. "Why didn't you help
me?," she whines.
"What do you mean? I sent you help three times: a surgeon, a radiologist and an oncologist. What
more did you want?"


A man hears from his doctor that he has cancer and only has six months to live. The doctor
recommends that he marry a nice Jewish girl and move to a secluded ranch in Montana. The man asks,
"Will this cure my cancer?" "No," said the doctor, "but the six months will seem much longer!


Two old baseball buddies with lung cancer were chatting on a park bench. Paul says, "I hope they have
a baseball team in heaven." "Me too", says Jack. "Tell you what", says Paul, "If I die first, I'll give you a
message about whether there is baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you can do the same for me." A year
later, Paul is dead and Jack is sitting on the park bench when he hears: "Jack, it's me, Paul. I have great
news! Guess what. There really is a baseball team in heaven." "Thank God", sighs Jack, "Now I can die in
peace." "I'm glad you feel that way," says Paul, "because you're pitching tomorrow!


Doctor: The tests show that your cancer is advanced. You have six months to live.
Patient: But, doc, I can't pay off my medical bills in six months.
Doctor: In that case, you have six months more.
Funny Cancer Jokes
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